Russian Insider

RUSSIAN INSIDER #1

МЫ ЖИВЕМ СВОИМ УМОМ

Н А Р К О Т А

В начале декабря в ТОЛКОВИЩЕ (далее Т) за-свят-ился Отец Вадим Арефьев – православный священник, работающий программистом 9-5, а вечерами спасающий бездомствующих пьяниц и алкоголиков, «братьев» да «сестер» во русском языке (см. интервью в АРХИВе), в Бруклине. Место и идея, где сходятся судьбы тех, кому Отец Вадим необходим, названо им Домом Трудолюбия. В ходе Т позвонил джентльмен, сказавший, что святой, которому идея такого дома принадлижит, при жизни был членом Союза Русского Народа, черной сотни, короче. Отец Вадим до конца Т на звонки мои с целью комментария не отозвался, занят был отпеванием 18-летнего парня, погибшего от передозировки. Тут цепная реакция и началась. Когда мы наконец созвонились, я предложил Отцу Вадиму связать меня с отцом покойного парня. Интервью с Аликом мы сложили через 2 дня после похорон его сына. Свой микрофон я включал только для вопросов, остальное время слезами давился (см. интервью в АРХИВе). 9 дней отец Паши просил интервью не выпускать: скорбел. Потом позвонил и сказал: «Все сделаю, чтоб люди детей своих не хоронили. Крути.»

Я прокрутил. Потом толковать стали. Оказалось, что наркоманы среди наших – от подростков до переростков – все, кроме больных и алкоголиков. Как водится, поначалу звонили те, кто на людях святее папы Римского, но Т «липы» не переносит, за это его народ и слушает. А вечером e-mail пришлa:

Subject: Hello, I am a drug-addict. There you go.

Hello Seva

I usually do not listen to the Russian radio. I think majority of it sucks. I don't think American mainstream radio is better but at least it is in English and the sound of the language is a bit more appealing to my ear. Your show however is an exception. I like it and tune in from time to time. Yesterday I heard something about problem of drug addiction among Russian speaking community and this topic had touched me somewhat personally.

I live in here in the US for more than 15 years. Coming here originally from St.Petersburg, Russia at age of twenty. I left all by myself with $50 and lots of dreams for a better life.

Being young and restless and all on my own I started to experiment with drugs here in New York very quickly. Back home, I had very little exposure to drugs. Maybe a little weed a few times and that is all. There were no hard drugs there back then.

In NY it was another story. I started with weed, then coke, crack, LSD, MDMA, you name it I've tried it. By nature I am a risk taker (I am sending you a short story I wrote about my first time heroin experimentation, judge for yourself). When I first tried heroin I knew it was my drug of choice. I liked it better than everything else. With heroin all thing seem fall into place. It was however a big illusion.

Heroin has wrecked and continues to make my life very difficult. I've lost jobs, spent thousands of dollars on it, been homeless, lived in my car, on the subway. I spent time in Rickers Island for numerous shoplifting convictions - the source of money to support my habit - lived and hang out in the worst neighborhoods in Brooklyn, Bronx, Philadelphia. I went through numerous detoxes (about 7), rehabs, therapy, all imaginable and unimaginable types of treatment and recovery. Nothing worked out. At least 100 times I would stop for days, weeks, months but sooner or later I would come back to heroin. I just can't imagine my life without it, without it nothing is complete. I like this drug, I like the whole idea, lifestyle and everything that surrounds it’s subculture. Even though it does not pay off doing it I still continue to use. I don't see any other way out. I fail when I try to stop. So I do not try anymore. I have a wife who knows about my use and wants me to stop, I got a job and live law abiding life at the moment. All I know for sure that only a person himself can and will stop doing drugs if he wants it. If he don't, it is almost impossible to change his mind. I don't want to stop. I can't.
And at least for now I will not. Heroin makes my life more complicated than necessary but I am willing to deal with it because without it my life is total and utter darkness. At times I can keep it in control, then at times, it will go a bit bananas. I do not however go completely insane like I did when I was in my twenties.

And one more small detail...all my drug history very rarely (if almost never) involved any Russian speaking counterparts on either side. Just like pretty much the rest of my life.
I am in excellent health, my friends consider me to be very intelligent, smart and outgoing person, all except for this dark side almost more than 10 years of continuous heroin addiction. I love your show and will be happy to talk to you about this very controversial and very important problem.

Sincerely,
N-D

Seva: Как Вам такое изложение? Мне тоже. N-D–козырь на руках НАРКОТЫ. На другой руке колода с историей жизни и смерти 18-летнего Пашки, рассказанная его отцом, Аликом. Кто выиграет? Не сыграешь, не узнаешь.

Message: CEBA PRIBET, YA DUMAU ECLI TbI CMOZEWb CDELATb XOTb ODHU PEREDA4U PRO HAWIX RUCCKIX PEBYAT KOTOPbIE BOLbHbI HARKOMAHIEY PA3 B MECYAZ, TbI O4EHb POMOZEWb HAWEY COMUNITY, PLEASE DO MAN, MbI O4EHb HUZDAEMCYA
B ETOM POBERb TbI ZE BIDEWb 4TO TBOPITbCYA, O4EHb BOLbHOY BOPROC, C UBAZEHIEM CPACIBO

Seva: Третий день толкуем о НАРКОТЕ. Недостроивших светлое будущее в Т все меньше, слушают значит. The callers are mesmerized with the DARK SIDE inner selves rather than with looking out for a silver bullet. Then comes another e-mail from N-D.

Hello Seva!

…Speaking of the dark side...well I do not know if I consider it as dark as you might. There are things in life much, much more disturbing, disgusting and repulsive than a little honest, sincere, devout heroin habit. I choose not to choose life, I choose something else.

It would be interesting to talk with you sometime. I really like your show and believe that you are very talented... the gem of Russian radio broadcast here in the US.

Take care.

SEVA: Compliments entrap those who are unaware of that. I know it. You do too now.

Message: Hi Seva, The story of this person confirms a now established fact. Narcomania is a disease. Apparently a chronic one. This guy just like a diabetic on insulin learned to live with it. Again it is his choice to be dependent on this drug and good for him that he can control it. Another point, the way this letter is written and the points that are made almost give an excuse to try it. Scary. Best, Toly

SEVA: I told you: N-D–козырь на руках НАРКОТЫ, но какой? Пока не чую.

Message: Привет Сева,
Когда мы учились в университете, мы курили марихуану каждую неделю.
Это помогало нам копаться в сознании, познaвать себя и мир вокруг нас.
Почти все из нас со временем перестали этим заниматься - нечему больше
было от нее учиться. У меня нет мнения по поводу тяжелых наркотиков
как героин, но легкие наркотики, которые приносят мало вреда, если
пользоваться ими в умеренном количестве, могут только помочь человеку
разобраться в себе.

SEVA: N-D is turning into an Ace of Spades.

From Vadim:

Message: I'll be brief. The problem is twofold - Political and
Philosophical. The Political aspect is not interesting. The philosophical, is more up our alley today. This guy, in my opinion, has reached тче highest level of egotism possible for a human being. He is an individual, a loner, just like Galileo,
Michelangelo and Newton. The only difference is that he does not create,
invent, or construct. He simply exists in himself. Individualism of
spirit creates progress, drives men forward. This man hinders progress;
he creates nothing but an illusionary world of idleness and
degradation. :

Сева: Here comes The Silent Listener. Ain’t I have a reason to be proud of T?
F me.

You can try to open this through the web site:
http://omni.zyxel.ru/cntnt/mults/?page=1

The name of the cartoon that I wanted to show you is (Soy un perdedor)--этот мультик в левом верхнем углу, в первом ряду картинок. Щёлкните мышкой на картинку и загрузится мульт. Звук не забудьте включить. Эта песенка--портрет того парня, который сделал *свободный выбор*, подвергнув своих близких кошмару жизни с наркоманом. Ваша передача очень важна. Она может спасти жизни людям. Пожалуйста, не поленитесь её выложить на свой сайт (и разговор о погибшем мальчике, и последующие шоу, которые вызвали такую эмоциональную реакцию людей, и разговор с Вашей женой. Берегите её. Умная женщина--это дар Божий. Не многим так везёт :)
Ну и как всегда, солнечного Вам дня. Радуюсь каждый раз, когда умудряюсь в этой суете отхватить кусок Вашей передачи.
ася, Boston

Seva: I am offering N-D to do an inter-view “before” and “after” if you know what I mean. If you don’t forget about it. He responds with:


Seva !
I understand that your profession could be a sort of hectic at times. Unfortunately I could not listen to your radio program right after you've got my letter. It was great honor to be mentioned and even to become a topic of the day on your show. Even though I only got bits and pieces of conversation with listeners I really love the general tone of show and as always your excellent ability to communicate different opinions and ideas with a variety of people. Responses from your audience were... well let me just say I did not expect much more from Russian immigrant listeners. At times however some things had touched me (but there was nothing new in it though) but generally I would say one thing- either I don't agree with them because they are saying things that don't make much of a sense, or their opinion (to which they have every right) is and always will be biased with public opinion, ethical code or
personal preferences.
I wish I could hear more of it but I was working at the time and missed the most part of your show. BUT there is one thing that I need to clarify immediately- it was mentioned numerous times that I chose my existence to be some sort of aimless drifting where heroin is my one and only thing that controls and fills my life and that ultimate demise of untimely(?) DEATH is the destination that I am pursuing relentlessly.
This whole death thing was mentioned somewhat a lot. There is a strange association that every hard drug user of abuser is ultimately moving quickly and efficiently towards a cemetery. It is plain wrong and stupid. Heroin itself is not toxic, it does not kill, it does not damage internal organs (unlike alcohol and tobacco).
Speaking of my lifestyle and death. Death is not what I wish to attain one day with the help of mind-altering substances. As a matter of fact, my health is perfect and I would like to live as long as God will allow me to and not thinking about ending my life or shortening (which I do not think I will) with help of drugs. I believe my life and my a bit alternative lifestyle is not different from many of other people. I truly think that I live and will continue to live a happy, fulfilling, interesting life where drug addiction is just part of it that I choose to be so. So, all this talk "he is doing heroin, so he decided to die..." and " I am a tree that is watered with gasoline" is rather wrong, I do not wish and will NOT die any sooner or later because I am doing heroin. MY health, mental state, intelligence and many other factors are either not affected at all by my drug use or there is damage that is less life threatening than...riding a car.
I am not poisoning myself any more or endanger myself any more than my fellow Russian people who consume loads of alcohol, fattening foods, lack of exercise and stress and negativity of everyday life. Well I guess we can discuss it all more thoughtfully in a phone conversation that you have mentioned in your last mail.
Now let me clarify... this so-called "before and after" conversation about life values and whatever else you wish to talk to me about, is it something like "before" mean "sober and NOT under influence of mind altering substance" and "after"... being under influence of a mind altering substance, diacelyl morphine HCl 300mg IV in my case that will be.
Is that what you have in mind? Well I do not have any problem holding this conversation. I will be thrilled to actually talk with you since I regard you as the one and only Russian speaking radio journalist here in NY is worth talking to. I would compare you to the Russian
version of Ed Bradley of "60minutes" (who died recently). Anyway, Seva, if you wish to do it - fine by me. You lead and I will follow. So call me and let me know. So I can stack up on substance that so effectively changes my as you put it "private mental space" ... Take care, N-D.

Hello Seva,
Many years ago I organized very successful drug rehabilitation and prevention program in our community. Many lives has been save, many people return back to normal life in our society. Unfortunately financing had been interrupted and the program closed all activities. But looks to me still remember this program and now when you open radio discussion on this matter I got a lot of calls from your radio listeners. All of them insist me to contact you in order to do something together on this crucial and tragic matter.
So I have called to you by this mail. Please respond. S.

Seva: Is the letter credible to you? Why? It’s not the language that sucks despite many years…Between the lines I see an effort to get people’s support for getting a grant. I wish I were wrong here.

From Irina :

Message: Wish to have special bank of lives where somebody who don't
want to live and have a healthy body with sick mind could give away their
lives , lend their lives to people who enjoy life and ask God to give
them one more day - to finish something that needs to be finished, to enjoy
sun, kids, love, life and so....
It is not possible. And others will burn their lives for nothing with
drugs, laziness...
Vsego horoshego and spasibo.:

Seva: Another e-mail from N-D:

Hello Seva!

I am very excited and patiently waiting eager to share all available to me information and facts about this overwhelming problem in contemporary American society such drug addiction. Being I believe fully qualified to discuss this issue because for more than a decade I dragged myself and people surrounding me through fully developed, practically incurable opiate dependency. Surprisingly however I do not think my views about morality, life, God and whatever else you would want to question me about, change or becoming altered while I am in a state drug induced euphoria so to speak. But it will be for you to decide. I just love to have a conversation with you since it is your professionalism and ability to make a simple talk into a captivating show is what I truly admire.
By the way do not worry about being a pusher. First pushers usually according to urban myth offer first try of drugs for free.(I don't expect anything from you, although it would have been nice) And most of the time you have to be something like 15 to encounter pusher,pushing situation.
Well I am 35 and had been pushed by everybody and everything in drug world existence. So Seva, you cannot be a pusher...not for me and you just don't qualify. I think you mean more something like "to contribute and to influence to my ability and degree of possibility to be using or be impaired by illegal narcotic substance" WOW isn't it sound cool and I am not even a lawyer...I am a truck driver.
Simply put "Friends (journalists) don't let friends get high"...or drive drunk, or...

Take care, N-D

Четвертый день толкуем о НАРКОТЕ. Интервью с N-D вышло не таким ярким как могло бы, for one reason only: we spoke Russian and his English is taking over his Russian. Linguistically speaking, we were at the point of no return (April 15 is coming up). By the end of our talk I asked him a trivial Q about an inscription on his tombstone, if it were up to him. This is what N-D mailed back to me:

Hello Seva!
Here it is... my tombstone revelation...well not exactly mine but famous British writer;
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. --Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Seva: The guy is awesome. Saw some?

Another Message: Good Morning Seva,
mozhet byt' v xode vashix peredach u vas est' info o kakix to good
rehabs, moj syn beryot Xanax i marijuana. seychas on vyshel iz hospital; ya gde chut' ne umerla..on xochet exat' v rehab.. my iwem rehab srochnym obrazom, ya nahsla v Los Algelese evrejskij, no ya boyus' ego tak dlaeko otpravlayt'..
mozhet byt' vy znaete kakie to programms zdes' ne tak daleko?

Seva: Another e-mail from my hero:



Hello Steven,
Today was spent rather uneventfully. Apart from a few exciting moments getting $115 ticket for parking on a hydrant my day went on smooth and slow like caramel cotton candy.
I tried to write another chapter of my book. Got as far as two more pages. By the way I am having it translated into Russian by this wonderful translator... a girl from St. Petersburg that I've met on-line. My Russian unfortunately is seriously lacking colorfulness and style...terrible for the language I would still call my first. I believe there could be market in both Russian and English language for a wrecked memoir of young and restless emigre from former Soviet Union who lands in NY and gets consumed by all the elements of capitalist society and drowns himself in the world of soulless competition for survival and worship of the '$' sign. I think the title will be "A visitor for pleasure" like when you cross a border they would ask "What is a purpose of your visit? Business or pleasure?" Mine naturally... more pleasure, than business... I was after all... a tourist.
Thinking about a tombstone I remembered this quote:
"There is always a need for intoxication: China has
opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman."
Andre Malraux
(1901-1976)
This was saying of this guy Andre Malraux.I share first name with this fascinating Frenchman and I think his life is very much something like what I would want myself to remembered by. I don't know how he could possibly fit all those achievements into it, but it is surely says that it can be done.
Take care
I hope to see you on Thursday and play a game of Table Tennis with a "Master of Sports"...I was never anywhere near to even be a 3rd youth grade...but you never know and besides, I am lefty and it is a huge advantage. N-D

Seva: next day I had a pro on the T who wanted to contribute to the topic. Since it was a prepaid infomercial, I respectfully did my dues to the guest, an educational lawyer who claimed to know how to deal with drug-related situations.
The following is a response from N-D:

Hello Seva!

Today I had time to hear most of your talk with an education law lawyer. Tell me the truth was there any commercial underlining in this interview? I understand we all have to make money, and advertisement is how radio makes it. But anyway...out of all the people...this guy?
Why Seva? WHY? If it is a purely commercial reason I will forgive you.
From such a variety of views and experts in this field you choose...education lawyer?
Don't let me fall from my chair laughing! The whole set up is wrong from very beginning.
A kid having a problem. This problem affects his school performance. Parents are no or very little help. A kid turns to drugs. Starts from innocent weed smoking and graduates to shooting heroin. School is no longer a priority, it is actually nothing. Parents are still idling.
Kid shoots dope, forgets school, parents began to realize something is wrong when he walks out of a bathroom with a needle and a spoon and hasn't been to school in days, grades are f***d up.
Who are you gonna call ??? Education law lawyer! Of course.
After all it is not parents fault, it is school could not see a problem when he was first smoked weed at the playground with buddies BECAUSE... parents going through messy divorce, too busy with jobs etc. etc.. etc. He is free to do what he wishes, hang out with everyone he chooses and come home high as a kite without even being noticed.
So now mister lawyer will use every letter of that law to shift the blame from parents who are really almost the only ones responsible to DOE and in a process even getting your child into some private special school where the kid should theoretically recover. Everything for a "small" sum of a few thousands dollars.
Now let me tell you about this so much glorified special schools. I came to the US too old (I was 19) and by myself to get to know public education system myself. However my friend at the time- Serge-had similar problems. His father abruptly left with a woman 20 years younger than his mother. It caused a lot of strife and rebellion. He started smoking weed, then tried everything else. Dropped out of high school. Parents we too busy to intervene. Serge got busted a few times on small charges like possession and fare beating. In court judge mandated him to one of those schools because of his age, lack of high school diploma and obvious full grown opiate dependency.
He went for more than a year to a school upstate. I don't know if it was the same school Alec's son was at but it doesn't matter. I will tell what he saw there.
80% of people there are court mandated, they have to stay there and complete otherwise they will go to jail. Nobody in a right mind would voluntarily stay in such place, he said.
After 3 months he was first let go home to his parents, on his first day of freedom in Brooklyn he got high and came back almost incoherent. Falling out of a taxi he said he remembers faces of his counselors looked very concern. He was not kicked out, but disciplined somehow. He said the school was full of abuse, just like Russian army where newcomers do all the dirty work, and old boys enjoy pushing and ordering them around. Atmosphere of more or less of a boot camp unofficially of course< since it is after all a respectful private "educational" facility for people with chemical dependency problems that cost the state $60,000. Another fact was that the place was a plethora of information about where, when and how to get the best drugs (just like any place of this kind), connections were exchanged, people would bring drugs in from homeleaves and etc. Of course there was urine testing and other crap but as you know it is not fool proof.
After more than a year my friend graduated and where do you think I saw him first after not seeing him for almost two years? He was walking through the park in Bushwick, Brooklyn where I was sitting enjoying a summer afternoon. I lived there then. Needless to say Bushwick was and still is one of the premier sources for quality heroin in Brooklyn. Serge was there looking for a bag, and then our eyes met...
That is when he told me all about his ""recovery" at this special school...
Now I don't want to sound pessimistic, but IMHO all this special school stuff is bunch of crap. If your child already shooting heroin...it is not a game. It is serious shit. The whole mindset is changed. Have you ever been dope sick? Or had a good heroin rush? Now you talking about school? Forget the school... All value system now revolves around a needle, spoon and next $10 bag. All he would get from this school is a bunch of new connections and abuse.
Do you really think all the people who come to those schools really focused on changing their life around and going to Columbia? What about people like me, who like to get high, like the whole idea, don't wish to give it up. They are unfortunately the majority. Few succeed from the first time. Almost noone. And especially with heroin it is more difficult than anything else. There is a saying which holds a lots of truth in it "Once a junkie, always a junkie". Now I don't want to say that treatment does not work, and you should just give up.
NO! But giving some "education law" lawyer five grand for him to shift the blame on someone else and put you in a place where success just as guaranteed as in a lottery or worse where things may lead to death (like in your previous interview)...please
So if it was just purely commercial interview than OK...but if this what you choose as an expert in the field than well read all the above..and decide.
Thank you
N-D

Seva: What do you think I do next? I read my e-mail:

Seva, Hello,
I am writing from work so i'll make it short
i am 26 came at age of 15 went to Public School and had a classmate who was so obviously under some sort of drugs his eyes were always red and he was walking a bit shaky - pod kaifom, always late to classes and disturbed and irritated all teachers, well he overdosed when we were in 12th grade, his parents found him already dead, also in the bathroom just like Alik did, with 'pena' out his mouth. sad but he is gone; when i was of dating age i went out with a guy who looked a bit odd to me so i told him off, later maybe 6-7 months later read an article and recognized his picture in the local russian magazines that he died. It said that he died in his sleep and his mother came to realization that he was indeed dead. but everyone who knows right from left and knew him knows the real story behind "never waking up" he also had foam out his mouth (as discovered by eye witnesses later) he was around 27-28
yes we all have to work and need to provide for our families, i probably should not open my mouth judging Alik given my age and that my son is only 2 (G-d shall protect him), but why in the world go to work when your son has such serious problem, he is a city worker i understand from your archive, they have excellent vacation packages, tons of sick days, personal days and whatnots, use them chain your son to your hand, go use the bathroom with him, sleep with him in same bed-- in other words dont let him out of your site, i better eat bread and drink water but not say "what to do we all have to work"
my boss is out on Wednesdays so i sneaked out and listened to your interview with him cried my eyes out and now decided to write this. again i should not judge at my age and inexperience but please pass on to parents in such situation, not to blame it on work and think deep of what is most valuable to them.

ur show is wonderful, keep up the good work, }|{EhbKA

Seva: And finally this.

From: Prefer not to say

Message: Hi
You saying that parents have to watch out after their kids more often, I agree.
How about children watching out after their parents, how come no one talks about that.
I was in a situation where I had to watch out for my father when he became heroin addicted at the age of 42, and I was 21 then. What do you think about that? He divorced with my mother long time ago. I was living with my grandparents (parents of my mother) and he was living with his parents. We lived in one building in Brooklyn. He was working as a delivery guy for someone and I would never imagine that something like could hapend to my father. Alcoholic yes, but not drug adiction. I think that one of the reasons could be that my father could not overcome devorce with my mother.
So, I became curious, how come he never had money. He was not making a lot of money as a delivery guy, but he was living with his parents, they paid the rent, food and even for some clothing plus he didn’t have a girlfriend meaning that he was not a big spender plus I never saw him drunk. I tried to talk to him but he just said that he owed some money to fix his car, plus he said that he had to pay a lot of money for traffic and parking tickets. At first I believed him, which was true, he did own the van which was breaking all the time and he was getting a lot of tickets, but it did not happen every month, therefore he had to have some savings. Besides, his mother was giving him money plus to what ever he was making at his job. He even tried to lend some money from me, which was a big surprise for me. You see, I am the only child and my father would give away his life for me, he loves me so much and he always gave me the money whenever I needed, that is why it was shocking for me when he asked me for 20 dollars for the gas.
So, I decided to visit his job place in Brooklyn and talk to his boss. I went to his store where he was working, but I did not find the boss and one of the sales people who was working with my father asked me if he could help me with anything. I explained to the guy that I wanted to speak to the boss about my father problem not having money on him and the sales person said to me ”You can ask me, I’ll tell you”. So I asked the guy ”How come my father never has money on him? Does he get paid on time?” And then the sales person told me right away, that my father was sniffing a heroin. I think he knew for sure. When he said that, I thought that I was going to fall down right under the ground. That is how I felt at that moment. (Later I’ve found out that he was injecting it in his vein.)
I was a 22 years kid, my mother lived in Russia with her new husband (she here now) and I was living with my grandparents. I was psychologically effected already, only because my parents got divorce when I was fifteen, and I came to the US with my father. Like every normal kid I wanted to have a normal family with mother and the father, but I did not have that, but I was lucky my grandparents were my real parents, and I was always afraid of my grandpa he was the boss of the family, maybe that is why I never got on drugs.
So, at the beginning I did not know what to do, and where to go with my father’s problem, all I knew that I had to do something to help my father.
For the first time of my life I tried to talk to him as normal human being without yeling and screaming, because I knew that screaming at him would never help.
oh, Yeah, the funny part is, that his mother(my grandma) knew even before me that my father was on drugs, but she would never tell, because my father warned her that if she would tell me, then he was going to kill himself by jumping from the window.
So, I tried to talk to him and tried to convince him to go to rehab and see psycholigist. He totally refused, he was saying that he was fine and he did not need any treatments. He said that it was not the drug he was taking, it was a medicine for pain. That was how he called a heroin. I could not convince him right away, I was very nervous and under stress. I started getting panic attacks because of all these problems.
I had to go to his job and convinced his boss to fire my father with an agreement of hiring him back after the rehab. So, the boss told my father ”Go to rehab. Clean up yourself and then I would hire you back when you drug free” (but he never did hire him back.)
The funny part was, that these ”mother fuckers” excuse my French at my fathers job, they all knew that he was on drugs, and none of them bothered to call our family to let us know about that. By the time I found out that my father was doing heroin, he had already been doing it for 4 or 5 years. To make a long story short
So, I got him into the rehab. (You have to understand under what kind of preasure I was, because of all of that. I was only 22 years old kid, back then I thought I was smart and free to make any decision, but now I know for sure that back then I did not know a lot of things about real life.)
After getting my father into rehab program, I felt a big relief. I thought after putting him to the one week rehab program that it will help him start a new life. But I was wrong all it did was that they gave matadon, which just cleans the body system from the heroin, but rehab can’t help you stop thinking about a drug. My fathers mental and nervous system was totally destroyed. His eyes looked insane and empty, there was no symptoms of life in his eyes.
So, it was the very first time when my father went for one week rehab. And I am not gonna tell you, how long it takes to get to the rehab if you didn’t have any medical insurance.
I’ll skip all the details of how long it takes to get to the program for someone who has no insurance. It was a big headache and since my father was not working anymore (thanks to me) and he could not get into program right away and I had to give him money for the drugs so he won’t get sick. It is hard to talk about all this, especially when son gives money to his father for the drugs.
When finally he went thru the rehab program (I have to tell you that goin thru rehab is not enough to quit, the person who was on drugs for a long time has to go thru therapy for at least a year, but it costs a lot of money. My father had to see the psychologists too, but he never did, he just did not want do it. It was too hard for him)
Once getting off the rehab it only took him a week to stay without drugs, and he started it again. It was even more shocking for me then the first time. I tried to convince him again but he did not listen and I gave up. I could not do it any more, just because of all that my nervous system was in bad shape, and I decided to give up.
He went to rehab more but without my help already, he went there back not because he wanted to quit but just because he did not have any money any more to buy more heroin. Each time he went to rehab, I had a little hope that he might quit, but he didn’t. Once finishing rehab program he started doing it again and again.
Of course I am not going to go into the details of how hard it was for me to live all these years with the thought in mind that my father was a drug adicted. Lucky him, he was living with his mother, otherwise he would end up living on the side walk with all the others homeless. For over ten years he was on heroin, average or minimum money he was spending just not to get sick, nothing more so he could work for someone without feeling the pain - $40 at least every day, now you do the math. It just to keep you alive nothing more. You ask me where he was getting the money, working for 2$ - $40 a day just for that, just to get a shot. Doing anything.
You might ask me what is going on with my father now, I can proudly tell you that he did it, he overcame all this and he is not doing it anymore. You also can ask me why did he do it, and what was the reason, I’ll tell you. About 3 years ago he needed to do a big surgery, and when I told the doctors that my father was a drug edict they refused to do it. So, he went to rehab first, then he had to wait for the surgery date, then another surgery and another one. All this processes took about six months and he could not take the drugs because of that, and then my grandpa passed away, which was another reason not to comeback to the drugs, just because there was no enough money to cover rent, food and the other expenses, plus my father had to lend some money for the grandpa’s funeral which he had to give back. So, all this made him stop. But I don’t care what was the reason, I am proud of him very much. It’s been about 3 years since he stoped. You know I am very proud of him like never before, and told him that. Since I went thru all this with my dad, I can tell you, it is very hard to get off the drugs. And those who could do it, there are not too many who actually could stop, these people do deserve the respect. There is always hope and I want to tell you to those who’s kids or friends are in drug trouble, please never give up on them and try help them as much as you can. There is always hope and it’s not easy to quit. Sometimes, I am not sure if my dad has quit for ever, all I know is that I have to believe in him.

Thank you.

Seva: It’s a neverending story. My answer to all the Q-s? The answer is hiding in your minds. Free it at sevakaplan@yahoo.com
 

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